How long does it take to forget?

 

How long does it take to forget?

I wish I knew the answer to this one, I wish I had more than just a handful of broken answers that most of the time I must put together to make sense and yet, I end up with more questions than before.

I wish it was easier to forget names and places so that even a fleeting remembrance won’t hurt so much, but to no avail I try and try, just to find myself where I started. Should I have to stick to the saying: “time cures everything”?

I am not sure that’d work, for the memory is still there. It’s like being tied up and not being able to escape. I am not talking about an unpleasant memory, but just some, which are painful to remember because the one I should be sharing those memories with is no longer by my side and it is hard to come to terms with that idea, to make a logical sense of it. Doesn’t mater how much I try. They always come back: a lovely smile, waiting for the bus to go back home, or just simply a good night kiss before going to bed. It is painful and nothing I say or do would make it go away.

Another thing… these memories are not to be hated, they’re warm but they’re undeniably painful, or a mixture of things, as if you mixed honey and garlic and gulp down the whole thing. What am I supposed to do? Pretend that it never happened? That she was never around? No! I just miss her so much, some days more than others but I certainly miss her. Although, I still wish I knew how to forget her. Am I selfish for desiring this to happen? Am I selfish for wishing not to feel pain when realising she isn’t ever coming back?

Forgetting perhaps is a matter of trying to survive, of trying to be at a better place within oneself. It’s as if I were trying to rescue myself, a sense of survival in order to avoid pain. Maybe it is that way. Truth to be told is that it happens, shit happens, ups and downs, sunny days and rainy days. We just have to cope whether we want to or not and that is selfishly non-negotiable.

I am here, I exist and I remember and want to forget. You aren’t here, you existed and I wish you were here. I wish you held me and told me that everything will be fine, that nothing will take us apart. But you aren’t here and I don’t know how to forget you, I don’t know how to forget the pain. I just don’t know how to.

I am here, I exist and I remember, and I wish you were here. I wish you were here.