I once wrote that if I stopped writing I would
stop living or something like that. Nowadays, it is slightly complicated to gather
my thoughts into logical sentences or to pour out my feelings into words.
Lately it has been exhausting and overwhelming even to make simple decisions or
to have a good night sleep, basically because of what is happening around the
world and also because of trying to make out people’s reasons for making others
suffer. I try to understand the nature of all disagreements, however the result
becomes futile.
I just can’t seem to comprehend the language of
what is going on, and of the people behind it. I just feel I don’t fit anywhere
due to my lack of understanding or even worse: my lack of mundane experience! I
mean, many people, friends and acquaintances know how to move and get around
situations I have no clue of, or that they possess the right information in
their heads to certain issues. And no, I wasn’t born yesterday, and no, am not
mentally challenged.
I am pretty sure there’s people out there who
regard many things in life as unimportant. Things like, purchasing a house,
having things repaired or having a plan B, C or D. What wonders me is how easy
it is for them to accomplish these tasks and not feel overshadowed by others or
feel terrified by them. I suppose I am not like the others, the standard others…
with their cars and houses, with their set of tools ready in case of a faulty
faucet. No, I am totally the opposite, I have no plan B or C, I don’t know what
to do in case of whatever! It is tiring to realize about this “defect” and above
all, it is not so simple to deal with it.
I am irritated at what is going on now and I am
awfully powerless to do anything about it, I cannot stop it and all I can do is
to do my best at comforting others and yet still, I feel it isn’t enough,
however, I absolutely refuse to abandon hope, to shove it away. That’d be the
least I’d do.
I guess that in the meantime I’ll have to try to
learn from others as much as I can so as to have a little more experience in this
world that seems to be falling apart around me. I just also have to try to be
level-headed and not to lose it… I mean, a few years ago, I’d have lost my mind
right away seeing and witnessing all the decay around, however, fortunately, I’ve
learnt better thanks to God. And it is because of Him that I don’t want to lose
hope, I don’t want to give in to any desperation or shadowy omens…No! I will keep
on doing my best for me and others who need me (or not even). Keep on goin’
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