ESSAY WRITING FCE - analysis of a good one and a bad one - jrqc

Writing an FCE essay might be challenging for certain people. There are guidances that your teacher / tutor must let you know. Here you will find a couple of examples, one of which fulfills the task as opposed to the other which simply does not. There is also an analysis based on the quality of the writing . 

The assessment regarding a piece of writing is based on the following: 

1. Content

Focuses on how well you have completed the task, in other words, if you have answered the question.

2. Communicative Achievement

Focuses on how appropriate the writing is for the task and whether you have used formal or informal style appropriately. For example, is the style right for a magazine article?

3. Organisation

Focuses on the way you put together the piece of writing. Are the ideas logical and ordered? Have you used paragraphs and linking words?

4. Language

Focuses on vocabulary and grammar. This includes demonstrating the range of language that you know, as well as how accurate it is.

RUBRIC / TASK

You have watched a documentary about young children in poor areas who leave school to work. Your English teacher has asked you to write an essay.

Teenagers are dropping out of school to find a job. How can we help them to continue their education?

Notes

Write about:

family problems

financial difficulties

…………… (your own idea)

EXAMPLE 1

Introduction:

In today's society, the unfortunate phenomenon of teenagers dropping out of school to pursue work opportunities is a pressing concern. This essay aims to explore how we can help these young individuals continue their education, focusing on the issues of family problems, financial difficulties, and the need for community support.

Body:

One major factor contributing to teenagers leaving school prematurely is family problems. Many youngsters come from disadvantaged backgrounds, where they may experience domestic issues, parental absence, or unstable living conditions. To address this, schools can establish counseling programs to support these students emotionally, providing them with a safe space to express their concerns and seek guidance. By promoting a supportive environment, we can foster resilience in these individuals, encouraging them to stay in school despite the challenges they may face at home.

Financial difficulties also pose a significant obstacle for young people seeking education. In impoverished areas, families often struggle to make ends meet, compelling teenagers to prioritize immediate financial gains over long-term educational benefits. To alleviate this issue, governments should invest in scholarships, grants, and financial aid programs, ensuring that education remains accessible to all, regardless of their socioeconomic background. Additionally, schools can collaborate with local businesses to provide part-time job opportunities that do not interfere with students' academic commitments, thus addressing their financial needs while encouraging them to stay enrolled.

Moreover, community support plays a vital role in enabling teenagers to continue their education. Non-profit organizations, religious institutions, and local communities can join forces to create mentorship programs, offering guidance and motivation to at-risk students. These programs can include workshops on career development, life skills, and financial literacy, equipping teenagers with the necessary tools to navigate challenges and make informed decisions. By establishing a network of support, we can empower these young individuals to overcome obstacles and realize the value of education.

Conclusion:

To combat the issue of teenagers dropping out of school to work, it is crucial to address the root causes, such as family problems and financial difficulties, while fostering community support. By implementing counseling programs, providing financial assistance, and offering mentorship opportunities, we can create an environment that values education and empowers young individuals to pursue their dreams. Only through such collective efforts can we ensure a brighter future for these teenagers and promote a more inclusive society.

ASSESSMENT

Content:

The content of the essay is comprehensive and addresses the topic effectively. It discusses the reasons why teenagers drop out of school, namely family problems and financial difficulties, and suggests practical solutions to help them continue their education. The ideas presented are relevant and well-supported, emphasizing the importance of counseling programs, financial aid, and community support. The essay successfully highlights the root causes of the issue and provides viable strategies to address them.

Organisation:

The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction effectively introduces the topic and outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, such as family problems, financial difficulties, and community support, providing sufficient explanation and examples to support the ideas. The conclusion summarizes the main points and reinforces the importance of collective efforts. The logical flow of ideas makes the essay easy to follow and understand.

Communicative Achievement:

The essay demonstrates a good level of communicative achievement. It effectively communicates the writer's ideas and arguments, presenting them in a clear and coherent manner. The essay maintains a formal tone and uses appropriate vocabulary and expressions related to the topic. The writer effectively conveys their viewpoints and supports them with relevant examples and explanations. The essay also demonstrates an awareness of the target audience and effectively engages the reader throughout.

Language:

The language used in the essay is accurate, clear, and appropriate for the target level. The writer demonstrates a good command of grammar and vocabulary, using a variety of sentence structures and linking words to convey their ideas. The essay also shows a good level of coherence and cohesion, with smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. The language used effectively conveys the writer's arguments and facilitates the understanding of the content.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong performance in terms of content, organisation, communicative achievement, and language. It effectively addresses the topic, presents well-developed arguments, and provides practical solutions. The essay shows a good understanding of the task requirements and effectively communicates the writer's ideas to the reader.

EXAMPLE 2

Title: Helping Youngsters in Education

Introduction:

Nowadays, teenagers are dropping out of school to find work, and it's bad. This essay talks about how we can help them. It's about family problems, no money, and community support.

Body:

There are many reasons why teenagers leave school. One reason is family problems. Sometimes, their families are not good. They fight and the parents aren't there. Schools can help by having people to talk to. These people can listen and help. When teenagers talk, they can stay in school.

Another thing is not having money. Some families can't pay for things like books or uniforms. Schools and the government can give money to help. They can give scholarships. If teenagers have money, they won't worry and they can study.

We can also do other things. Schools can have after-school programs. They can help with homework and teach new things. This can be fun. When teenagers have fun, they can stay in school. Community can do things too. They can show how important education is. This makes teenagers want to stay.

Conclusion:

In conclusion, we can help teenagers by talking, giving money, and having programs. When schools talk, give money, and have programs, teenagers can stay. It's important for the community and schools to help teenagers. Education is important and we should help teenagers go to school.

ASSESMENT:

Content: 

The content of the essay lacks depth and fails to adequately address the topic. It briefly mentions family problems, lack of money, and community support but does not provide any substantial analysis or solutions. The ideas presented are simplistic and lack supporting details or evidence. The essay does not demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic or the task requirements.

Organisation: 

The essay lacks a clear structure and coherence. There is no clear introduction or conclusion, and the body paragraphs do not follow a logical progression of ideas. The essay lacks proper transitions between paragraphs and ideas, making it difficult to follow the writer's train of thought. The lack of a clear organizational structure hinders the essay's overall effectiveness.

Communicative Achievement:

The essay fails to effectively communicate the writer's ideas. The language used is simplistic, with a limited range of vocabulary and grammar mistakes. The essay lacks clarity and precision in expressing ideas and arguments. The writer does not engage the reader or establish a persuasive tone. Overall, the essay does not demonstrate communicative achievement at the required level.

Language: 

The language used in the essay is characterized by a low range of vocabulary and numerous grammar mistakes. There is a lack of varied sentence structures and ineffective use of linking words. The essay shows limited control over basic grammar rules, resulting in unclear and awkward sentences. The language used does not effectively convey the writer's arguments or facilitate understanding.

Overall Assessment: 

The essay falls significantly short in terms of content, organisation, communicative achievement, and language. It lacks depth, coherence, and logical development of ideas. The simplistic language, grammar mistakes, and lack of vocabulary range hinder the effective communication of the writer's thoughts. The essay does not meet the requirements of the task and does not demonstrate a satisfactory level of competency for the given level.